This journey is difficult. At times it seems as if it's never-ending. The pain, the healing, the joy, the decisions, the mistakes, the pride, the crushing of pride, not wanting to mess up, the messing up, the laying down flat with nothing left, the pain, the healing, the joy...
What have I done? Why am I here? Am I supposed to be here now or there now? Was I ever supposed to be there? Should I have stayed there? Should I never have left here? When? Where? Why? How? What if? All these questions haunt me, but yet I have no definite answer.
I seek answers, but I find none. I search for direction, but continuously wake up at a crossroads. I beg, I plead, I desperately groan for this hurt to go away, but yet it remains.
Oh, God, please answer the cry of my heart! I need You. I am directionless, floundering, wandering, confused. I thought I had it all together, but I continuously find I never had it to begin with.
I must make a decision and stick with it. I must own up to my mistakes. I must be hurt in order to live. Is living worth being hurt? I believe so, but to know, I must press on and find out.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Yuletide Barkings
If you were to spend any time with my family, you would find that we are an entertaining unit. With each of our unique personalities, we sometimes make quite a scene. The story I'll call a Doggy Tale highlights my Dad's crazy personality.
Dad is laid-back, yet extremely friendly. He enjoys making silly puns, and playing simple jokes on people or animals, which we all love about him even though we complain about it.
One time, during the bustling holiday season, the whole family went to a quiet, almost abandoned mall, to do some fun, more relaxed shopping together. We had all had adventures seeking out some treasures. Mom had found a gift for Grammie, Dad had picked out a Memphis Tiger's long-sleeve T-shirt (which is still one of his favorites), and Amy and I had tagged along, delighted to be on a family outing. When we all were weary from our day of shopping and had gained a sense of accomplishment, we all headed back out into the crackly, bumpy, and almost empty parking lot.
We dumped our bags into the trunk and loaded up ready to make the short trip home. However, as we were loading up, two very large dogs in the parked car that was a few empty spots over from us were barking viciously and uncontrollably. They let us know that they were mean and might hurt us if we got one step closer.
Amy and I were a tad intimidated, Mom was annoyed, and Dad was silently configuring a plan. When the dogs were still barking as we drove away, Dad put his plan into action. With a silly grin on his face, Dad drove around to the opposite side of the dogs' car from where they still stood boldly barking (and probably proud they had finally scared us away). He slowed, rolled down his window, stuck his head out the window, and barked as loud and as mean as he possibly could.
The vicious dogs were scared and befuddled. They quickly jumped from their proud positions, turned around, and fumbled over to the other window from where they heard the big scary noise Dad had made. They began more frantically while they looked for the source of the loud barking. However, we had circled around to the back of the car they were in by the time they had re-composed themselves in their fearless barking. Of course, they soon found they were barking fearlessly at what now was nothing but an empty parking lot before them.
Our journey home consisted of delightful conversation and laughter. We wondered and joked about the things dog owners who leave their dogs in the car never know about. I love my family. I love my dad.
Dad is laid-back, yet extremely friendly. He enjoys making silly puns, and playing simple jokes on people or animals, which we all love about him even though we complain about it.
One time, during the bustling holiday season, the whole family went to a quiet, almost abandoned mall, to do some fun, more relaxed shopping together. We had all had adventures seeking out some treasures. Mom had found a gift for Grammie, Dad had picked out a Memphis Tiger's long-sleeve T-shirt (which is still one of his favorites), and Amy and I had tagged along, delighted to be on a family outing. When we all were weary from our day of shopping and had gained a sense of accomplishment, we all headed back out into the crackly, bumpy, and almost empty parking lot.
We dumped our bags into the trunk and loaded up ready to make the short trip home. However, as we were loading up, two very large dogs in the parked car that was a few empty spots over from us were barking viciously and uncontrollably. They let us know that they were mean and might hurt us if we got one step closer.
Amy and I were a tad intimidated, Mom was annoyed, and Dad was silently configuring a plan. When the dogs were still barking as we drove away, Dad put his plan into action. With a silly grin on his face, Dad drove around to the opposite side of the dogs' car from where they still stood boldly barking (and probably proud they had finally scared us away). He slowed, rolled down his window, stuck his head out the window, and barked as loud and as mean as he possibly could.
The vicious dogs were scared and befuddled. They quickly jumped from their proud positions, turned around, and fumbled over to the other window from where they heard the big scary noise Dad had made. They began more frantically while they looked for the source of the loud barking. However, we had circled around to the back of the car they were in by the time they had re-composed themselves in their fearless barking. Of course, they soon found they were barking fearlessly at what now was nothing but an empty parking lot before them.
Our journey home consisted of delightful conversation and laughter. We wondered and joked about the things dog owners who leave their dogs in the car never know about. I love my family. I love my dad.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Antics of the BCM
The Baptist Collegiate Ministries, or the BCM, on the university campus is like a home away from home for me. If I have a few minutes between classes, if a class is canceled, or if I have a break, I will 99.9% of the time be found at the BCM. The other .1% I'm actually studying at the library.
Well, today one of my classes was canceled so I zipped on over to the BCM on my 70s orange with electric blue handle bars Schwinn Varsity '73 bike.
One of many reasons I love the BCM is because of the numerous people who spend time there. We're from different backgrounds, are dispersed among different local churches, and involved in different ministries. We all have unique personalities, but are all united in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ for the purpose of glorifying Him.
Anyway, here's what happened when I walked in today:
Tim was very happily playing some Relient K Christmas music loudly on one of the computers. As a conversation with my sister and a few others about life, tests, papers, tests, exams, tests, exhaustion, tests, unfair professors, tests, and surviving until Thanksgiving began to unfold, we all noticed a different song streaming from the computer.
Tim had indeed put the song "Butterfly Kisses" on and before we could object to request more Christmas music, he was singing each lyric loudly and off-key while Blair, who was very chipper and hyper was dancing around to it. Naturally, the rest of us laughed, rolled our eyes, and joked about it.
Mid-song, Tim found himself distracted by a rambunctious game of "Muffin Ball" at the pool table. The guys always get really enthusiastic about that game and often forget to use their "inside voices" while playing. As Tim forgot about his "Butterfly Kisses", Cassie sneakily walked over to the computer to turn off the song. Of course, Tim quickly noticed and whined about it a little, but soon got over it as he began to get frustrated with the game he had joined.
Soon, I heard laughter from the conference room (where people "study") and found a group of people laughing at some "Geography Jokes" someone else (Joseph) had written on the white board.
"I'm going to get some fried TURKEY and fries."
"Dude, are you going to eat all of that unhealthy food? Don't you know that GREECE oozes out of TURKEY?"
"YEMEN, but IRAN 3 miles this morning and IRAQUEd up some 'unhealthy food' points."
"Well, be careful man, because I'll laugh when it all goes to DJIBOUTI..."
I laughed, and moseyed on out of there to sit down on the comfy couches next to Hannah. Hannah knew of some of the struggles I'd been having and asked how I was doing. We discussed how good God is, how He remains the same, and truly encouraged each other in our faith; it's something we both really needed.
The BCM often is crazy with a whole bunch of weird people who frequent it, but when it comes down to it, we all love God. Of course, we also enjoy having fun. We're college students. What do you expect?
My conversation with Hannah drifted onward to her dramatically describing how she'd been pranked 3 times that day already, while I laughed heartily. Our friend Dana joined in and we merged into discussion about what names we like, and on towards other girlish topics. The daily antics at the BCM continued without me when I went to class, but just for a few moments, I relaxed, laughed a lot, was encouraged, and loved--the perfect remedy for a stressed out college student.
Community is important when the pressures and lies of the culture around me are constantly bombarding me. I thank God for a community such as the BCM.
Well, today one of my classes was canceled so I zipped on over to the BCM on my 70s orange with electric blue handle bars Schwinn Varsity '73 bike.
One of many reasons I love the BCM is because of the numerous people who spend time there. We're from different backgrounds, are dispersed among different local churches, and involved in different ministries. We all have unique personalities, but are all united in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ for the purpose of glorifying Him.
Anyway, here's what happened when I walked in today:
Tim was very happily playing some Relient K Christmas music loudly on one of the computers. As a conversation with my sister and a few others about life, tests, papers, tests, exams, tests, exhaustion, tests, unfair professors, tests, and surviving until Thanksgiving began to unfold, we all noticed a different song streaming from the computer.
Tim had indeed put the song "Butterfly Kisses" on and before we could object to request more Christmas music, he was singing each lyric loudly and off-key while Blair, who was very chipper and hyper was dancing around to it. Naturally, the rest of us laughed, rolled our eyes, and joked about it.
Mid-song, Tim found himself distracted by a rambunctious game of "Muffin Ball" at the pool table. The guys always get really enthusiastic about that game and often forget to use their "inside voices" while playing. As Tim forgot about his "Butterfly Kisses", Cassie sneakily walked over to the computer to turn off the song. Of course, Tim quickly noticed and whined about it a little, but soon got over it as he began to get frustrated with the game he had joined.
Soon, I heard laughter from the conference room (where people "study") and found a group of people laughing at some "Geography Jokes" someone else (Joseph) had written on the white board.
"I'm going to get some fried TURKEY and fries."
"Dude, are you going to eat all of that unhealthy food? Don't you know that GREECE oozes out of TURKEY?"
"YEMEN, but IRAN 3 miles this morning and IRAQUEd up some 'unhealthy food' points."
"Well, be careful man, because I'll laugh when it all goes to DJIBOUTI..."
I laughed, and moseyed on out of there to sit down on the comfy couches next to Hannah. Hannah knew of some of the struggles I'd been having and asked how I was doing. We discussed how good God is, how He remains the same, and truly encouraged each other in our faith; it's something we both really needed.
The BCM often is crazy with a whole bunch of weird people who frequent it, but when it comes down to it, we all love God. Of course, we also enjoy having fun. We're college students. What do you expect?
My conversation with Hannah drifted onward to her dramatically describing how she'd been pranked 3 times that day already, while I laughed heartily. Our friend Dana joined in and we merged into discussion about what names we like, and on towards other girlish topics. The daily antics at the BCM continued without me when I went to class, but just for a few moments, I relaxed, laughed a lot, was encouraged, and loved--the perfect remedy for a stressed out college student.
Community is important when the pressures and lies of the culture around me are constantly bombarding me. I thank God for a community such as the BCM.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Who I Am
Those who know me well are certain that I am quite a pensive being. I think a lot, ponder a lot, wonder a lot. Tonight, as I sat in my cushioned rocking chair in my bedroom, my deep thoughts and prayers gradually became distracted by what was around me in my bedroom. As I looked around the comfortable confines of my bedroom, I began to realize that the room itself says a lot about who I am.
1. The theme is obviously music. My room is done in black, and white with red accents. There is a music border (with Chopin's Piano Forte Polonaise printed on it for those who may be curious) mid-level, with pure white above it and sponge-painted black below it. All accents such as pillows, a rug, and curtains are a brilliant red.
2. The decor continues in the musical theme. There are plaques for singing in choirs, trophies for graduating levels in violin, a black and white violin picture, a 3-D violin puzzle, and more. Obviously, I'm a singer, a violinist. The walls continue to describe me. One poster has a violin on it leaning against a stand that has the familiar hymn "Amazing Grace" set on it. The bulletin board has Scripture on it, a picture of a precious child from Haiti, comic strips with musical themes, etc. The dresser's mirror has canvas leaning against it with the final verse of Proverbs 31 hand-painted on it. Also, the wall right above a music stand in the corner has an elegant piece of artwork. It has a black and gold frame, but what is framed is quite important. There, on a see-through paper, is Psalm 150 written in calligraphy. Behind the paper is a picture of my violin.
Praise ye the Lord.
Praise God in His sanctuary.
Praise Him for His mighty acts:
praise Him according to His excellent greatness.
Praise Him with the sound of the trumpet,
praise Him with the psaltery and harp.
Praise Him with the timbrel and dance:
Praise Him with stringed instruments and organs.
Praise Him upon the loud cymbals:
praise Him upon the high sounding cymbals.
Let everything that hath breath praise the LORD.
Praise ye the Lord.
Psalm 150
Attached to the artwork is a blue ribbon; it must have won something. Already, simply by theme and decor, my bedroom states that I am a violinist, a singer, an artist, a Christian.
3. Other articles of note in my abode, is a large bookshelf and a desk. On the bookshelf are textbooks, journals, Bibles, a hymnal, devotional books, and other shelves of wonderful books. I must be a thinker, a lover of education, a reader.
4. However, one of the most humorous aspects about my room is its occupants. Yes, within the walls lives a violin, viola, guitar, mandolin, and keyboard. All doubts that I am a musician have been vanished.
5. Other articles to note are the Camelbak water backpack on the floor, the sleeping bag rolled up in the corner, the Colorado-bumper-sticker-covered Nalgene water bottle on the desk, the duffel bag in the closet, the Bible on the nightstand, and the Memphis Tiger hat and pom-poms. I'll let you derive your own conclusions about me from those articles.
Anyway, as I was thinking, it came to mind that all these "things" describe who I am, but do not define who I am. If my room were bare and empty, who I am would not change because Who defines me never changes. So, who am I? I am first a follower of Jesus-Christ Who defines me as His Creation, His daughter, His beauty, His beloved, His redeemed. For Him, I play music with the sole purpose of making His praise glorious. Because of Him, I am a forever student, an artist, a lover of people, a seeker of beauty. In enjoyment of Him, I spend time in the great outdoors--His creation. Yes, I am unique, I am blessed, I am God's.
1. The theme is obviously music. My room is done in black, and white with red accents. There is a music border (with Chopin's Piano Forte Polonaise printed on it for those who may be curious) mid-level, with pure white above it and sponge-painted black below it. All accents such as pillows, a rug, and curtains are a brilliant red.
2. The decor continues in the musical theme. There are plaques for singing in choirs, trophies for graduating levels in violin, a black and white violin picture, a 3-D violin puzzle, and more. Obviously, I'm a singer, a violinist. The walls continue to describe me. One poster has a violin on it leaning against a stand that has the familiar hymn "Amazing Grace" set on it. The bulletin board has Scripture on it, a picture of a precious child from Haiti, comic strips with musical themes, etc. The dresser's mirror has canvas leaning against it with the final verse of Proverbs 31 hand-painted on it. Also, the wall right above a music stand in the corner has an elegant piece of artwork. It has a black and gold frame, but what is framed is quite important. There, on a see-through paper, is Psalm 150 written in calligraphy. Behind the paper is a picture of my violin.
Praise ye the Lord.
Praise God in His sanctuary.
Praise Him for His mighty acts:
praise Him according to His excellent greatness.
Praise Him with the sound of the trumpet,
praise Him with the psaltery and harp.
Praise Him with the timbrel and dance:
Praise Him with stringed instruments and organs.
Praise Him upon the loud cymbals:
praise Him upon the high sounding cymbals.
Let everything that hath breath praise the LORD.
Praise ye the Lord.
Psalm 150
Attached to the artwork is a blue ribbon; it must have won something. Already, simply by theme and decor, my bedroom states that I am a violinist, a singer, an artist, a Christian.
3. Other articles of note in my abode, is a large bookshelf and a desk. On the bookshelf are textbooks, journals, Bibles, a hymnal, devotional books, and other shelves of wonderful books. I must be a thinker, a lover of education, a reader.
4. However, one of the most humorous aspects about my room is its occupants. Yes, within the walls lives a violin, viola, guitar, mandolin, and keyboard. All doubts that I am a musician have been vanished.
5. Other articles to note are the Camelbak water backpack on the floor, the sleeping bag rolled up in the corner, the Colorado-bumper-sticker-covered Nalgene water bottle on the desk, the duffel bag in the closet, the Bible on the nightstand, and the Memphis Tiger hat and pom-poms. I'll let you derive your own conclusions about me from those articles.
Anyway, as I was thinking, it came to mind that all these "things" describe who I am, but do not define who I am. If my room were bare and empty, who I am would not change because Who defines me never changes. So, who am I? I am first a follower of Jesus-Christ Who defines me as His Creation, His daughter, His beauty, His beloved, His redeemed. For Him, I play music with the sole purpose of making His praise glorious. Because of Him, I am a forever student, an artist, a lover of people, a seeker of beauty. In enjoyment of Him, I spend time in the great outdoors--His creation. Yes, I am unique, I am blessed, I am God's.
Αγάπη
Yes, it's Greek. No, I cannot speak Greek. I simply copied and pasted this beautiful word that is life-fulfilling and has now become the title of my blog. What is it? you ask. The English for this lovely word is Agape. Agape is one of four Greek words for love. The first is Storge (στοργή), or affection. The second is Philia (φιλíα), the "friendship" love. The third is Eros (Ἔρως), the "intimate" love. Finally, the last is Agape (Αγάπη), the "God love".
While rummaging through a delightful new discount Christian bookstore at the mall the other day, I discovered a treasure--C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" on CD for $10.95 with tax. Generally, I prefer the delight of curling up in a blanket in a comfy spot to relax and read a good book, but as a busy, school-minded, textbook drowned, commuting, college student, I have only tiny increments of time to read for pleasure during the semester. For my fellow book-lovers out there, I'm sure it can be imagined how wonderful my discovery of a classic book on CD was. Having a book on CD meant I could listen IN MY CAR on my torturous daily 30 minute commute to school. Now, not only is book on CD, but it also is read by C.S. Lewis himself in his strong British accent, and deep soothing baritone voice. Needless to day, my commutes were not quite so miserable this week. Wow. I got distracted. Frustrating commutes and books on CD is not the purpose of this blog post...
Well, C.S. Lewis built up suspense all week. Although I already had some knowledge of the four Greek words for love, I desperately wished to hear what he had to say about Agape. Throughout the week, C.S. Lewis discussed what he calls the "natural" loves, which were only three in number. The final love is not natural, but the "natural" loves without the final can hardly be considered love at all. See, the final love is the "God love," the love God has for us; the Love that God is--Agape. Agape is a love that loves not because the recipient of the love is loveable, but because from it, love flows. Agape is God, God is Love. Got it? Good. I'm moving forward.
Agape can also be developed in humans. One who has God's love can love like God loves. So, in return to God's Agape, we Agape Him back. That's where my blog title fits in. Agape: I am Passionate about Christ. I am Pure because of Christ. I am Pensive about His Truth. I am Persevering to future Glory with Him. I am Pursuing Him and His Agape daily.
I would say more about Agape, but in fear that I will say something incorrect (which I possibly could already be accurately accused of), I will simply suggest you read C.S. Lewis' book and discover the four loves yourself. It's worth the time and effort!
While rummaging through a delightful new discount Christian bookstore at the mall the other day, I discovered a treasure--C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" on CD for $10.95 with tax. Generally, I prefer the delight of curling up in a blanket in a comfy spot to relax and read a good book, but as a busy, school-minded, textbook drowned, commuting, college student, I have only tiny increments of time to read for pleasure during the semester. For my fellow book-lovers out there, I'm sure it can be imagined how wonderful my discovery of a classic book on CD was. Having a book on CD meant I could listen IN MY CAR on my torturous daily 30 minute commute to school. Now, not only is book on CD, but it also is read by C.S. Lewis himself in his strong British accent, and deep soothing baritone voice. Needless to day, my commutes were not quite so miserable this week. Wow. I got distracted. Frustrating commutes and books on CD is not the purpose of this blog post...
Well, C.S. Lewis built up suspense all week. Although I already had some knowledge of the four Greek words for love, I desperately wished to hear what he had to say about Agape. Throughout the week, C.S. Lewis discussed what he calls the "natural" loves, which were only three in number. The final love is not natural, but the "natural" loves without the final can hardly be considered love at all. See, the final love is the "God love," the love God has for us; the Love that God is--Agape. Agape is a love that loves not because the recipient of the love is loveable, but because from it, love flows. Agape is God, God is Love. Got it? Good. I'm moving forward.
Agape can also be developed in humans. One who has God's love can love like God loves. So, in return to God's Agape, we Agape Him back. That's where my blog title fits in. Agape: I am Passionate about Christ. I am Pure because of Christ. I am Pensive about His Truth. I am Persevering to future Glory with Him. I am Pursuing Him and His Agape daily.
I would say more about Agape, but in fear that I will say something incorrect (which I possibly could already be accurately accused of), I will simply suggest you read C.S. Lewis' book and discover the four loves yourself. It's worth the time and effort!
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